Its been a year since i've moved back home. Home, or Portland was a place I never wanted to come back to. It signified small town, dead ends and proof of my failure. Who knows why I thought that way. Somewhere along the way i had made up my mind that "home" was meant for me to make on my own and far away from where my original home was. This last year was a year to learn all the reasons why cliche's are cliche's.
Like "you are your own best friend",
"you make your own happiness, no one can do it for you"
"beauty or happiness is in the eye of the beholder"
"you can't help someone who doesn't want to help themselves"
"you reap what you sow" i mean the list goes on. Think of a cliche and i'm sure i've experienced it and found it to be true.
"every cloud has a silver lining"
"what doesn't kill you will make you stronger"
and finally "home is where the heart is"
What the heck does that even mean you say. Home is where the heart is. I almost feel like I left my heart in a small box when I was 14, closed the box and labeled it "do not open/use/ or take" and instead put a fake one that was really, really good at being an excellent fake heart. In all seriousness, Perhaps the word heart can interchangeably be used with the word identity. Identity is where all of ones securities and insecurities come from. The question of how familiar one is with oneself.
"know thyself".
"knowledge is power" the list goes on. Denying our nature, or perhaps our natural self is the most self-detrimental thing one can do. Smothering your true inner desires I find just leads to an explosive, dangerous result. You're like pressure in a carbonated glass bottle, shaken and ready to explode. And most likely slivers of glass will cut themselves into the innocent and guilty alike. All the human bystanders close by you.
"the grass is always greener on the other side"
but I'm content being me. Waking up with my dog sleeping on top of my head always trying to steal my pillow, laptop humming usually with something i was watching or listening to that i fell asleep to, books sprawled open all over my bed and night stands. Well, along with other junk... but mostly cups filled with water (being a sweat monster means i get thirsty like one) I forget to take back down to the kitchen. I don't have fancy saks 5th ave boots, prestigious Doctor boots, or mom boots but I have my be a good person boots that i wear to teach kids. I have the freedom to breathe and do what I want. Finding joy in the little things in life, helps me see the big picture.
Shit, I mean we all are different. No matter what, we're always going to be judged, we've all got our own demons and we're sorta fucked up all in our own ways.
So whats the big picture?
We all just make a life for ourselves that we're okay with.
At the end of the day when we turn off the lights its our own inner self we answer to. Being the best me, means taking care of me but also knowing that I have the ability to cause harm to others. And of course learning to exercise restraint to do my best not to. Anything and everything I am, or do can be scrutinized and there will always be someone that does not agree with me, but as long as i'm doing my best to be my idea of happy, who cares. What i wear, what I do as a living, wealth, my opinions on music i dunno all those aesthetic things in the end are just...aesthetics. They belong to my identity, so if you don't like what you see, just...get the hell out of my way. just kidding. sorta.
"To each their own"
"to err is human, to forgive is divine"
"happiness is a warm puppy"
Goodnight.
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| Artwork by Yoshitomo Nara |
