Wednesday, April 13, 2011
s o m e t i m e s
sometimes i like to wonder about things.
would i be happier if i had...
...more money?
... a prettier face?
...smarter brain?
...hotter body?
...better personality?
...a more obedient dog?
...a degree from harvard?
...married a hot korean doctor?
...been born white not yellow?
...a different lineage?
...lived in hawaii?
...a boyfriend like edward cullens?
...no insomnia?
...no heartburn?
...no heart to burn?
this thinking exercise could lead to depressive thoughts. but for me, with my flawless logic, listing all the things that would make me a different, possibly better version...makes me realize i'm lucky.
i mean... wanting perfection is like saying I want no heart. duh! winning!
[remember, this is flawless logic.]
logical equation below:
no heart=me no alive=me zombie=only want to eat human brain=me no like eat human brain
so, all in all... i'll just keep all my flaws, my appetite for steak and lobster and keep my heart too.
perfection is boring anyways. :)
would i be happier if i had...
...more money?
... a prettier face?
...smarter brain?
...hotter body?
...better personality?
...a more obedient dog?
...a degree from harvard?
...married a hot korean doctor?
...been born white not yellow?
...a different lineage?
...lived in hawaii?
...a boyfriend like edward cullens?
...no insomnia?
...no heartburn?
...no heart to burn?
this thinking exercise could lead to depressive thoughts. but for me, with my flawless logic, listing all the things that would make me a different, possibly better version...makes me realize i'm lucky.
i mean... wanting perfection is like saying I want no heart. duh! winning!
[remember, this is flawless logic.]
logical equation below:
no heart=me no alive=me zombie=only want to eat human brain=me no like eat human brain
so, all in all... i'll just keep all my flaws, my appetite for steak and lobster and keep my heart too.
perfection is boring anyways. :)
Saturday, March 12, 2011
Pandora and her box
Again it comes to this place.
I find myself unraveling in my shroud of doubt.
Will I always be in perpetual unhappiness?
Will I never relieve myself of my constant gloomy days?
I don't know. I always don't know.
I don't like this. Sometimes, I wish I was just dumb as fuck.
Let me feel the bliss of oblivion, of ignorance and stupidity.
I want to be blind.
What it would be like to pathologically only see the world with rose colored glasses.
I want to believe every lie, without a wink of a doubt.
I don't want to seek what is true, or real.
Take away my sentient and cognitive nature.
I care too much
I think too much
I worry too much
What rubbish.
What waste.
Why do I still care so much???
What does it mean that all evil spread from Pandoras box but for hope?
Hope exists, does it not?
I find myself unraveling in my shroud of doubt.
Will I always be in perpetual unhappiness?
Will I never relieve myself of my constant gloomy days?
I don't know. I always don't know.
I don't like this. Sometimes, I wish I was just dumb as fuck.
Let me feel the bliss of oblivion, of ignorance and stupidity.
I want to be blind.
What it would be like to pathologically only see the world with rose colored glasses.
I want to believe every lie, without a wink of a doubt.
I don't want to seek what is true, or real.
Take away my sentient and cognitive nature.
I care too much
I think too much
I worry too much
What rubbish.
What waste.
Why do I still care so much???
What does it mean that all evil spread from Pandoras box but for hope?
Hope exists, does it not?
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
your bf just hit on me, and you girl are in la la land
I know, yeah yeah yeah. I think too much. But, its just the way i'm wired. you know?
So, this is what I want to know.
I know many ladies, including myself that have been hit on by men that are in "long committed faithful relationships." or so it seems to their ladies.
Don't get me wrong. If you are in a unhappy relationship and your genuinely wondering if that person is for you, thats one thing. BUT i'm not talking about those kinds of situations where you are expressing concern to a good friend.
I'm talking about the sleezy beezy ones.
You know what really grinds my gears? [This is my rant like Peter Griffin from Family Guy.]
Their girls have no clue.
They think that they have some muthafuckin great boyfriends or something.
They truly believe that their kid will go fly to the moon if asked, and bring back some muthafuckin stars as souvenirs.
Little do they know that they are saying things like:
"Sigh... I dunno. I love my partner, but sometimes I wonder whats out there. You make me wonder what it would be like to be with you..."
"I like you"
"I wish my partner was more like you"
"I can't stand my partner"
"Can I kiss you?"
"You're so much better than my partner"
"Insert any words of infidelity here..."
or just any action that is ... opposite of what seems like the definition of faithful. General hitting on other girls that aren't your girlfriend. duh. must I explain anymore? You know what i'm talking about.
These chicks have no idea what their loving, committed, such trustworthy boyfriends are doing.
But how do we know that we are any different than "those" girls?
We like to believe that we are smarter, more clever, and would "just know" if shit like that was going on.
But even Ted Bundy had girlfriends, even while he was doing his psycho sociopath fucked up shit. They had no idea.
Craigslist killer had a fiancee that stood by him because he was "the greatest guy that wouldn't hurt a fly" until the evidence was so overwhelming that she could no longer deny it.
Ok sorry, sociopath killers are extreme but my point is... as much as I want to belive in the human race, i've seen too much from my end that tells me otherwise. I know I know... Call me a pessimist, but really, i'm just being a realist.
The sad thing is, these girls may never know and their friends will never tell them.
Why?
Because, nobody wants to be the bearer of bad news.
Why?
Because its easier to "shoot the messenger"than to believe somebody we love is a scummy douche bag lowlife.
Why?
Because we would rather believe a comforting lie than know the heart wrenching muthafuckin truth son!
Whats the truth?
You was in love with a fake impostor of a good human being, that eats food like a human being, and looks like a human being but poops it out through his mouth. And you ate that shit up like it was some good muthafuckin medium rare steak and lobster.
and who wants to believe that?? would you?
So, this is what I want to know.
I know many ladies, including myself that have been hit on by men that are in "long committed faithful relationships." or so it seems to their ladies.
Don't get me wrong. If you are in a unhappy relationship and your genuinely wondering if that person is for you, thats one thing. BUT i'm not talking about those kinds of situations where you are expressing concern to a good friend.
I'm talking about the sleezy beezy ones.
You know what really grinds my gears? [This is my rant like Peter Griffin from Family Guy.]
Their girls have no clue.
They think that they have some muthafuckin great boyfriends or something.
They truly believe that their kid will go fly to the moon if asked, and bring back some muthafuckin stars as souvenirs.
Little do they know that they are saying things like:
"Sigh... I dunno. I love my partner, but sometimes I wonder whats out there. You make me wonder what it would be like to be with you..."
"I like you"
"I wish my partner was more like you"
"I can't stand my partner"
"Can I kiss you?"
"You're so much better than my partner"
"Insert any words of infidelity here..."
or just any action that is ... opposite of what seems like the definition of faithful. General hitting on other girls that aren't your girlfriend. duh. must I explain anymore? You know what i'm talking about.
These chicks have no idea what their loving, committed, such trustworthy boyfriends are doing.
But how do we know that we are any different than "those" girls?
We like to believe that we are smarter, more clever, and would "just know" if shit like that was going on.
But even Ted Bundy had girlfriends, even while he was doing his psycho sociopath fucked up shit. They had no idea.
Craigslist killer had a fiancee that stood by him because he was "the greatest guy that wouldn't hurt a fly" until the evidence was so overwhelming that she could no longer deny it.
Ok sorry, sociopath killers are extreme but my point is... as much as I want to belive in the human race, i've seen too much from my end that tells me otherwise. I know I know... Call me a pessimist, but really, i'm just being a realist.
The sad thing is, these girls may never know and their friends will never tell them.
Why?
Because, nobody wants to be the bearer of bad news.
Why?
Because its easier to "shoot the messenger"than to believe somebody we love is a scummy douche bag lowlife.
Why?
Because we would rather believe a comforting lie than know the heart wrenching muthafuckin truth son!
Whats the truth?
You was in love with a fake impostor of a good human being, that eats food like a human being, and looks like a human being but poops it out through his mouth. And you ate that shit up like it was some good muthafuckin medium rare steak and lobster.
and who wants to believe that?? would you?
Thursday, January 13, 2011
g h o s t o f g l o o m y g o o s e
Today: I feel like a gloomy goose
I looked in the mirror. Eyes swollen beyond recognition. Nose filled with snot and eyes encrusted with dried salty water version of heartbreak. Yeah...tears. Whatever.
I'm not being gloomy.
No, today I feel pathetically inadequate. Defeated.
For the first time in t w o years I cried in self pity and self loathing. The stitches I worked so hard to fucking suture up and squish all the broken pieces inside seared right open. I cried out loud. The louder I cried, the harder I kept crying. That's what you call wallowing in self pity, and I was doing a pretty damn good job of it. If there was a prize for pity parties, I of course would have won the blue ribbon. You know you're doing a good job when you're so exhausted from crying that you lie like the dead and welcome your dog to lick your salty face and snot off. Since its easier than constantly wiping it it off yourself. Or maybe I could win the blue ribbon for laziness?? Either way! I win at fail!
I felt my arms wrapping themselves around me. I think i'm hoping it will keep me from unraveling.
Oh stupid girl.
I looked in the mirror and I saw this version of me I hoped i'd never see again. Fragile, unsure and being everything I swore i wouldn't be.
Its ok though. Just as quickly as ghost of my version of 808 and heartbreak appeared, she disappeared. I like me. I'm not a great human being, but i'm a decent one. I'm not great enough to save the world, nor do I have super powers to wield at my fingertips...but I'm trying. And that's still worth something. With the little I have to offer, i'm still gonna try really hard. Just because its not something amazing, it doesn't mean its gotta be nothing. and I like that about me. I like that i'm trying, and that i'll always keep trying and nobody can take that from me.
So let me throw a few fuck yous and wish u good luck trying to smash me into oblivion.
Beat on the brat with a baseball bat.
I dare you!
I looked in the mirror. Eyes swollen beyond recognition. Nose filled with snot and eyes encrusted with dried salty water version of heartbreak. Yeah...tears. Whatever.
I'm not being gloomy.
No, today I feel pathetically inadequate. Defeated.
For the first time in t w o years I cried in self pity and self loathing. The stitches I worked so hard to fucking suture up and squish all the broken pieces inside seared right open. I cried out loud. The louder I cried, the harder I kept crying. That's what you call wallowing in self pity, and I was doing a pretty damn good job of it. If there was a prize for pity parties, I of course would have won the blue ribbon. You know you're doing a good job when you're so exhausted from crying that you lie like the dead and welcome your dog to lick your salty face and snot off. Since its easier than constantly wiping it it off yourself. Or maybe I could win the blue ribbon for laziness?? Either way! I win at fail!
I felt my arms wrapping themselves around me. I think i'm hoping it will keep me from unraveling.
Oh stupid girl.
I looked in the mirror and I saw this version of me I hoped i'd never see again. Fragile, unsure and being everything I swore i wouldn't be.
Its ok though. Just as quickly as ghost of my version of 808 and heartbreak appeared, she disappeared. I like me. I'm not a great human being, but i'm a decent one. I'm not great enough to save the world, nor do I have super powers to wield at my fingertips...but I'm trying. And that's still worth something. With the little I have to offer, i'm still gonna try really hard. Just because its not something amazing, it doesn't mean its gotta be nothing. and I like that about me. I like that i'm trying, and that i'll always keep trying and nobody can take that from me.
So let me throw a few fuck yous and wish u good luck trying to smash me into oblivion.
Beat on the brat with a baseball bat.
I dare you!
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
Sex? Love? What??
Lets cut the crap.
Can it be any more clear?
Situation #1 You like this guy, and you think the dude likes you enough. You guys make out, maybe even have sex, eat dinner together sometimes, hold hands in private, but there is something nagging you. He won't ask you to be his gf. You ask him about it and he says "well, i'm not looking for anything serious. I like you, maybe even love you, but I don't want anyone to know and I don't want any strings attached"You do the "oh yeah, me neither" but shit, deep down inside that's the opposite of what you wanted to hear. You delude yourself because you think...maybe he'll change his mind? Maybe this, maybe that. Here I know this is harsh but honestly this is the truth: "you're good enough to fuck around with, but ultimately he's just not that into you." Sorry.
Situation #2 You call him about 99 times and he ignores your phone calls. I know this may sound like a no brainer... but seriously. Some people don't seem to understand "you're acting insane and he's ignoring you." Even if he didn't think you were insane before, he does now. If he's not returning your calls don't think of a million excuses of why that could be. Here, i'll tell you "HE DOESN'T WANT TO TALK TO YOU!" This one, I just don't understand. Don't... do that. Why would the 99th time be any different than the first?
Situation #3 You go on a date and he never calls you back. "is he sick?" "did he lose my number?" "he must be some sociopath freak!" i dunno, think of all the excuses you can. but really, the heart wrenching answer is... you already know. Does it hurt your ego? But why should it hurt your ego? You will meet tons of people who you're just not that into.
Situation #4 I think this one is my favorite. You meet this kid. He's suave as hell, and he's totally cute. But he reeks of overplayed lines, and has no sense of boundaries. he just seems like a douche. You hear he's a player. He's known to be a womanizer, and he throws lines like "yes, to the world I may be, but not to you. I think i'm in love with you. You're the only girl for me...you're different" and you know better but a part of you wants to believe in this romantic idea. That you of all the girls in the world, have the ability to change this person that has a soul made of garbage. Sigh, but you don't. No one does. Not even the devil himself! So WAKE UP!
That movie... was so stupid. So if you say "i'm the rule and not the exception" and know it to be true
but secretly hope to be the exception and get disappointed every time, you're stupid. Eh, but at the
same time if you are okay being stupid who is to say otherwise?
The novel/movie "he's just not that into you" sucks. There are only two good things that come from that movie and #1 is the title, and its a line towards the end of the movie that goes something like "...and the greatest gift she gave herself was moving on". And everything in between is such bullshit. The conclusion of the movie is exactly the opposite of what the movie should be about.
Hey, but the title itself was quite the epiphany for me. It made me realize as humans how delusional we are. We make up a lot of stuff in our head, just to I dunno, make the sting of truth feel a little less painful.
Come on. Can it be any more clear?
Situation #1 You like this guy, and you think the dude likes you enough. You guys make out, maybe even have sex, eat dinner together sometimes, hold hands in private, but there is something nagging you. He won't ask you to be his gf. You ask him about it and he says "well, i'm not looking for anything serious. I like you, maybe even love you, but I don't want anyone to know and I don't want any strings attached"You do the "oh yeah, me neither" but shit, deep down inside that's the opposite of what you wanted to hear. You delude yourself because you think...maybe he'll change his mind? Maybe this, maybe that. Here I know this is harsh but honestly this is the truth: "you're good enough to fuck around with, but ultimately he's just not that into you." Sorry.
Situation #2 You call him about 99 times and he ignores your phone calls. I know this may sound like a no brainer... but seriously. Some people don't seem to understand "you're acting insane and he's ignoring you." Even if he didn't think you were insane before, he does now. If he's not returning your calls don't think of a million excuses of why that could be. Here, i'll tell you "HE DOESN'T WANT TO TALK TO YOU!" This one, I just don't understand. Don't... do that. Why would the 99th time be any different than the first?
Situation #3 You go on a date and he never calls you back. "is he sick?" "did he lose my number?" "he must be some sociopath freak!" i dunno, think of all the excuses you can. but really, the heart wrenching answer is... you already know. Does it hurt your ego? But why should it hurt your ego? You will meet tons of people who you're just not that into.
Situation #4 I think this one is my favorite. You meet this kid. He's suave as hell, and he's totally cute. But he reeks of overplayed lines, and has no sense of boundaries. he just seems like a douche. You hear he's a player. He's known to be a womanizer, and he throws lines like "yes, to the world I may be, but not to you. I think i'm in love with you. You're the only girl for me...you're different" and you know better but a part of you wants to believe in this romantic idea. That you of all the girls in the world, have the ability to change this person that has a soul made of garbage. Sigh, but you don't. No one does. Not even the devil himself! So WAKE UP!
I'm not perfect, no one is. These mistakes are so easy to make. I've made them, so have you and the stranger next to you. The delusions we create are ones we all are guilty of making. But it just makes me wonder. What is so hard for us to just realize those words. "This person isn't into me." and be okay with that. And move on. Its just statistics you know? It may be you, it may not be you but the bottom line is he/she is not for you. Why is accepting those words so hard.
That movie... was so stupid. So if you say "i'm the rule and not the exception" and know it to be true
but secretly hope to be the exception and get disappointed every time, you're stupid. Eh, but at the
same time if you are okay being stupid who is to say otherwise?
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
e y e 'm r a c i s t?
Is it strange that I'm having culture shock in my own homeland? How is this possible? The moment I get off the plane, I'm in the immigration lane and some chick comes up to me and asks me if I have an American visa. "I'm a citizen you moron. I think that's what this blue square thing means. And which is why I'm in this lane. You guys shouting nonstop "ONLY U.S citizens and Canadians IN LANE 3&4" was heard loud and clear, oh i dunno the first 5 times in the first minute I got here." Racial profiling still sucks and its still annoying as shit. Sure, she was just trying to be efficient, making sure we're in the right lane and I know she had no mal intent but it still feels...you know... weird. Its just different.
Seoul felt like I was becoming an ant, and scurrying in the ant colony. First, because Koreans have black hair and black eyeballs, so it felt like I was amongst ant people but also because they really do scurry. Taking the subway is like being in a mosh-pit. Mosh-pit in an ant colony. So in this world of ants, I first became confused and then strangely, being an ant with other fellow ants felt comforting. The hard part was trying to find my dad. He blends in too well and if I wasn't also Korean and by nature good at scurrying, i would have lost sight of him many times.
Being Korean means you have to sacrifice a lot. You have to sacrifice the happiness of your feet, your face that you were born with, your seat on the bus or subway for the elderly, your liver, your lungs, originality in every sense. But goddamn, Koreans know how to be polite. No sorry, perhaps polite is not the right word. Japanese people are polite. Koreans are good at being entrepreneurs and elitists. Yeah you sacrifice a lot, Yet, why do I feel so out of place here? I'm not the only yellow face here at seatac airport. There are many colored faces here, yet I can't help feeling out of place. Uncomfortable, like I have to try even harder to be "American" to prove that I am one. Speak with a more distinct white accent. Drink my Starbucks coffee get my ipod on, and type furiously on my mac.
Don't get me wrong. In no sense are Koreans "nice". They are blunt and got this hot boiling blood running through their veins. Give em some alcohol and watch them morph red into belligerent monsters. Its a dog eat dog world they live in, but what can I say? I am one. That very blood runs through my veins. And so, there is something to be said for blending in naturally. A world catered for you. Sizes that are made for you, food catered to taste good for you, hospitality and customer service catered for your Korean needs and habits. Warm hand towels before every meal, a family mart on every corner ...flight attendants that are bending over backwards to ensure your good.
Just sayin. Sometimes being an ant isn't so bad.
Seoul felt like I was becoming an ant, and scurrying in the ant colony. First, because Koreans have black hair and black eyeballs, so it felt like I was amongst ant people but also because they really do scurry. Taking the subway is like being in a mosh-pit. Mosh-pit in an ant colony. So in this world of ants, I first became confused and then strangely, being an ant with other fellow ants felt comforting. The hard part was trying to find my dad. He blends in too well and if I wasn't also Korean and by nature good at scurrying, i would have lost sight of him many times.
Being Korean means you have to sacrifice a lot. You have to sacrifice the happiness of your feet, your face that you were born with, your seat on the bus or subway for the elderly, your liver, your lungs, originality in every sense. But goddamn, Koreans know how to be polite. No sorry, perhaps polite is not the right word. Japanese people are polite. Koreans are good at being entrepreneurs and elitists. Yeah you sacrifice a lot, Yet, why do I feel so out of place here? I'm not the only yellow face here at seatac airport. There are many colored faces here, yet I can't help feeling out of place. Uncomfortable, like I have to try even harder to be "American" to prove that I am one. Speak with a more distinct white accent. Drink my Starbucks coffee get my ipod on, and type furiously on my mac.
Don't get me wrong. In no sense are Koreans "nice". They are blunt and got this hot boiling blood running through their veins. Give em some alcohol and watch them morph red into belligerent monsters. Its a dog eat dog world they live in, but what can I say? I am one. That very blood runs through my veins. And so, there is something to be said for blending in naturally. A world catered for you. Sizes that are made for you, food catered to taste good for you, hospitality and customer service catered for your Korean needs and habits. Warm hand towels before every meal, a family mart on every corner ...flight attendants that are bending over backwards to ensure your good.
Just sayin. Sometimes being an ant isn't so bad.
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